Over the past several weeks I have been struggling with a big decision. When I moved back to the US in November I did so for several reasons: To pay for the lawyer and legal fees to bring Alberto back to the states, because I missed my family and friends, and also with the idea that I would work to get re-established. Since coming here I have barely spent time with my kids, and even less time with my friends.
Iwas lucky enough to get a job right away, but it wasn’t a full-time job. I was able to get full time hours during the holiday season, but of course those hours dropped off right afterward. One of the employees was leaving and I was able to pick up his hours once he was gone. During this time, I was borrowing a friend’s SUV and the cost of gas was climbing. Between the poor fuel efficiency, the high cost of gas and rent I was struggling. One of my co-workers offered to let me rent a room from him for a lower amount. The apartment is much closer to work, and I thought that between the lower cost, shortened commute and the extra hours I would be able to breathe a little easier. Then there was a problem with the vehicle I was borrowing. One of my daughters was willing to sell me her car and I got it insured. The only problem is that it needs some work done. Soon afterward I was looking over my finances and new hours and I realized that with the new expenses I would have serious trouble making ends meet in spite of living closer to work and having a more fuel-efficient car.
The main reason I haven’t seen much of my kids or friends since moving back is because I haven’t even had the money to drive up to see them, much less go do anything with them. All of this hit during a week that I was sick, and I was left thinking about how precarious a situation I was living in. Needless to say, it was very depressing. I talked things over with Alberto and tossed and turned quite a bit. I kept hoping that I could figure out a way to stay and see my kids more often, but I couldn’t find a solution. I was worried about how we would pay for the lawyer if I moved back. Alberto assured me that the business is doing well enough that we will be able to pay the lawyer on time even if I moved back.
The past week has been incredibly stressful as I have struggled with my warring feelings. Wanting to stay so I can (maybe) see my kids and friends more often and because I really like my job and all it entails. Wanting to move back because I miss my husband terribly and it is exhausting struggling alone without the comfort and support of your partner. There is no easy answer, no simple solution. Either way I loose something precious. Time away from my kids or from Alberto is time I can never recover. This puts a strain on everyone involved.
Still, we did come to a decision. I already had tickets to go visit Alberto, but now they will be one-way. I told my managers on Friday that I would be leaving. It’s a heartbreaking decision. My co-worker felt so bad for me that he offered me an even lower rent, but I couldn’t accept. In part I feel it would be unfair, and in part these last five months have been so emotionally draining that once I’d reached the decision I didn’t have the energy to go through the process of deciding all over again.
So, on April 16th I will be flying back to Mexico to be with my husband. I will look back fondly on my co-workers, and I will miss my job. I can only hope that all of the paperwork will go through and Alberto and I will be able to move back to the states by sometime next year. I hate leaving feeling that things are unfinished, but then life is a work in progress and is always unfinished.Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )
It isn’t uncommon for people who are married to be living apart for months, people in the military often have to deal with that sort of separation (I know, because I was a military wife for several years.) Usually when happy couples are separated it’s due to a job. Then there are couples like us. Couples that some would prefer not to think about, or who some feel somehow ‘deserve’ the separation. For those of us separated due to our partner being deported, or not allowed in this country it’s harder. We don’t see an end in sight. We don’t get the comfort that after this assignment or this job that we will be reunited. No, instead we worry and wonder if we’ll ever be able to live with our partner. Sure, it might be possible for us to go and live in their country – maybe – but then that would separate us from our loved-ones here. We might not be able to find sufficient (or any) employment. We may have difficulties learning a new language. Living in a country that has different values, beliefs and customs may also limit our ability to find new friends.
I was one of those who tried to live in a new country and build a life there so I could be with my husband. I quit a fairly well-paying job, sold my belongings and moved down to Mexico. I knew practically no Spanish when I moved, but I was determined to learn. My husband and I searched for ways to earn a living and finally opened a cafe with what was left of our cashed-in retirement plans. The first year in Mexico there was so much to learn: how to get around our section of town, where to buy things, how to speak Spanish, the food and ingredients that were and weren’t available, etc. After things began settling down, reality began to sink in. With the amount of money we were making and how expensive travel was becoming, the chances of seeing my father, children and grandson more than once every year or two were remote. So, we started making inquiries about any waivers to get my husband back sooner. We were told there was a possibility of a waiver, so I moved back so I could pay all the fees (over $4,000 between the waivers and the lawyer.)
Now, it feels like I’m living some sort of strange half-life. I’m sleeping on my daughter’s couch, borrowing a friend’s truck, living out of a suitcase, and working a job at about half the pay of the one I’d left behind. I’m married, but I don’t have the comfort of my husband’s embrace. I have no expendable income, so my life consists of watching my grandson when my daughter is at school and going to work. I have been away for only a year and a half, but I feel distant from my friends. Most of that distance is due to my lack of funds. After all, who among us feels like going out when it’s hard enough to keep gas in the car? Another part of the distance is because I feel disconnected. I don’t wholly belong here because of my living situation and because it feels like half of me is missing.
Right now my life feels like I’m living it in a series of vignettes rather than a complete movie. Allie at work | Allie babysitting | Allie talking to her husband on the phone. Everything in-between is somehow truncated or glossed over. My life appearing and disappearing like when you’re trying to read a book in the back of a car at night… moments of illumination when the streetlamp is overhead, fading to darkness only to be thrust into the light again. This keeps me from wanting to take part in my usual hobbies, which only furthers that feeling of not fully living my life.
I have not lived a particularly hard life by the standards of many people around the world. Many people have lives that are far more difficult than my own. On the other hand, I’ve had a lot more difficult experiences than many people my age. One at a time, they’re not so bad.. I woke up to mortar shells hitting outside the housing area we were living in down in Panama. Postpartum depression after child #3 (yeah, many women get this, still it’s not easy.) My third child (at 15 months) waking up one morning unable to move her legs & two days later not being able to breathe on her own. She was in the hospital for three weeks. When we came home, our upstairs neighbor went off the deep end and started threatening us with hammers, and tormenting our family (she was later evicted.) A year later, my husband (now my ex) had a neck injury and was put on workman’s comp – while child #4 was on the way. Fast forward a couple of years, in the middle of a move to another state – surprise pregnancy – no insurance! Major financial troubles (spurred by the medical drama of the past years.) Then, just as things are starting to get back on track – my mom was diagnosed with Lou Gherig’s & I had to have a hysterectomy. Two weeks after my surgery my ex started a job in another state and I was left to pack and take care of five kids by myself. Two months (if that) after the move, the marriage disintegrated. Single mom, five kids, minimum wage job *fun*. As things start getting better – three deaths in the family (grandmothers and mom) and a major medical problem with one of my kids. Then, just as life straightens out and I marry the man of my dreams, he gets deported. *UGH*
So, people hear all this, or friends see me live through this and ask “how have you not lost it?” The answer is “I don’t know.” or maybe it should be “I already went crazy just so I could stay sane.” That said, there are times in this latest bit of ‘excitement’ that I feel like saying “enough already!” I am thankful that my job isn’t a stressful one (even when we were busy over the holidays.) I’m just hoping that I will once again reach an equilibrium and that I will stop feeling so disconnected. I’m wishing for something to go really right so that my husband and I can be together again soon. I want to get back to feeling like I actually belong where I’m living. I want to get back to doing my hobbies and seeing my friends. But first, once he’s back, I want to go to the beach and go visit my dad, because I know those things will make me feel alive and IN my life.Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )
It’s yet another holiday season where I’m not with everyone I love. In 2009, just eight short months after our wedding, Alberto was deported. I spent our first Christmas as a married couple, thousands of miles away from him, packing and selling our things. Needless to say, it was not a Merry Christmas. The following year I was in Mexico with him, but our children and grandson were here in the States. Even though his family was welcoming, it was very hard to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas away from my children. (I had always spent the holidays with them in the past.) Now, I’m back up in the States, trying to earn enough money to pay for the paperwork and legal fees to bring Alberto home. So, for the third year in a row I don’t have all my family with me.
I have always been a generally cheerful, up-beat person. However, now that is truly being put to the test. The stress I have been under for the last couple of years has been incredible. It isn’t easy to make the drastic decision to sell everything and move to a different country, especially one so poor as Mexico, and leave your family, friends and everything you know behind. I made that decision so I could be with my husband. Mexico City is a very difficult place to live, and that was only compounded by my lack of Spanish. I am just now able to carry on conversations with people, although often it is a struggle due to my poor conjugation. So many people complain about the problems of crime, pollution, jobs, cost of living, etc. in the States. I am convinced that they would not complain as much if they lived a year in Mexico, working a regular job there and earning the average pay. There is no ‘equal opportunity employment’ there. Employers can specify age, gender, attractiveness, and a host of other things that would not be permissible here in the States. Alberto and I struggled with finding adequate work and ultimately opened a cafe to support ourselves. We had been working sixteen hours a day, six days a week until about three months ago, when we were finally able to cut back to ten hours a day, six days a week.
I have been back in the states for almost a month now and I still feel very displaced. I did get a job right away, and I really enjoy my work. There was a possibility to get my old job back, which would have given me a lot more pay, but I couldn’t bring myself to apply for it. I used to enjoy that job even though it was very stressful, but now the thought of going back to something that intense is overwhelming. Where I am now is perfect for me. Even when we are busy I’m not stressed at all. I’ll take a good work environment with less stress and decent pay over high pay, high stress any day. What has me feeling displaced is the fact I’m sleeping on my daughter’s couch, living out of my suitcase and borrowing a friend’s vehicle. As welcoming as my daughter is, I don’t really feel ‘at home’. Then there’s the problem of not seeing Alberto and missing that companionship. I have barely even seen my friends since I’ve been back too. I really want to see them, and sometimes I have the time when they are free, but I feel so tired (from sleeping on the couch and stress) that the idea of getting back into the suv and driving to see them is just too much for me. I don’t think I’ve ever been this way before. I can hardly wait till I have paid all the fees and the lawyer and I can visit Alberto and (hopefully) get him back up here. I just want to have our life back.
I keep getting asked “But since you’re married, doesn’t that mean he automatically gets to stay?” It doesn’t matter that we are married. Gaining residency to the States (or any other country for that matter) is a complicated process. It is not an easy process either. I don’t want to hear people talk about how illegal immigrants are only here to cause crime and/or drain resources. My husband paid taxes, he donated blood, he volunteered his time to maintain parks and did many other things a good citizen would do. In other words, he contributed to society. Most people don’t know how complex the immigration process is, and yes, there are a lot of people out there who are a drain on society – but that goes for U.S. citizens as well. Most people who come here to this country do so for the same reasons that the first settlers came here – opportunity for a better life and/or freedom from oppressive government. My family came from Germany and Ireland many generations ago and they had a much easier time immigrating. Now life is more complex, and it is easy to make mistakes while trying to navigate the immigration process. We should be a little more understanding and start looking at the individuals rather than have an us vs. them attitude.Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 2 so far )
The last 4 months have been incredibly busy for me. Some things that occurred in December have lead to some very big changes. My husband has been in Mexico City since just after Christmas. I went down in January to visit him and make sure that I would be comfortable with living there. While I was down there we discussed the best way for me to complete the move. Our lease ends April 30th and I wanted to visit again at least once before my final trip. So we decided it was best for me to work all of February and then see him again the beginning of March and have my final trip in April, just before our first anniversary (April 18th).
The month of February was crazy busy. Trying to get things together for my trip (including getting things arranged to bring our cats down) took a lot of time. At work it was almost time for quarterly returns/salvage processes and I wanted to have everything complete before I left. It was especially important since we had two people out on maternity leave and human resources was dragging their feet trying to find a replacement for me (and I was the only supervisor at the time). Because of all the activity, stress and heavy lifting I didn’t realize that I had a kidney infection until two days after I arrived in Mexico. Thankfully my husband’s family knew a good doctor and she was able to see me right away. Six days of gentamicin shots later and I was feeling great. That set us back a little bit with the things we were trying to get done, so I had to change my return flight. When I left last week we had purchased our furniture, tile for our kitchen, painted all but one of the rooms, and started staining the furniture. The place is really looking nice, and I’m excited to return. (though mostly because I want to be with my husband!)
Now that I’m back in Baltimore till the 7th of April I feel like everything is on fast-forward. I have to decide what to pack, what to store, what to have friends/family bring when they visit and what to get rid of. I also have to get taxes done, get an Apostile done of the translation of our marriage certificate, cancel the utilities, re-paint the apartment, and help my daughter move. I feel like a week isn’t enough time. I’ll be happy when I’m done and on my way back down to Mexico!
Two years ago I never would have believed anyone if they told me that I would be moving to Mexico this year. Even six months ago I would have been skeptical. Now I’m well on my way to moving and hopefully becoming an immigrant to Mexico. I have been doing my very best to learn Spanish, by using Rosetta Stone, a Spanish verb workbook and – most importantly – talking with my husband and his family in Spanish as much as possible. When we first got married I used to say “Sólo sé una palabra y para explicar es necesito a aprender doce más” (I only know one word and to explain it is necessary to learn twelve more) but now I probably know over 60 words. It may not seem like all that many, but considering the fact I only knew about 20 when I first arrived there in January it’s a good start. My husband is currently studying to become an English teacher and will graduate in June. I will be starting a similar course in July, only mine is a full-time course (all day Monday – Friday). This certainly will be a change of pace from living in the USA and working as a pharmacy technician.
The hardest part of all this is the fact that my kids and grandson will be here in Maryland so we won’t get to see each other as often as we used to. It’s hard on all of us, though we don’t talk about that a lot. I’ll miss all my friends as well. I’m giving away almost everything in my apartment, but thankfully the kids are all taking the family heirlooms. It’s really hard to leave almost everything you know behind. Thankfully my dad taught me how great an adventure that life is and how to adapt when everything changes. It really helps that his family likes me and that they are so warm and welcoming.Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )
A couple of wonderful things have happened since my last blog post:
My oldest daughter had a beautiful baby boy on March 27th named Leland. He is a very good baby and is only waking up once a night already! He’s very strong, and was able to hold his head up fairly well by the time he was 3 days old… A lot of people thought he was a month old already! I wish I could go down to N.C. every weekend to see him, but that’s just not possible.
Then, this past Saturday (April 18th) I got married to my sweetheart. We couldn’t have ordered a better day, it was absolutely beautiful. One of his seven sisters was able to come and his brother & brother’s children were able to come as well. It was a rather intimate wedding, only 30 people invited. In my opinion that is much better since we were able to spend time with all of our guests and really enjoy ourselves, rather than being rushed and not being able to talk to anyone for very long.
Sunday we went with his family to DC (first time they had been there) and we were very lucky… it was one of only four days a year that the South Lawn of the White House was open to the public for tours. (two days in Spring and two days in Fall). All in all it was a wonderful weekend.
We are hoping to go to Mexico for our one year anniversary and renew our vows in front of the rest of his family. I can hardly wait! Hopefully I will be able to speak Spanish fairly fluently by then.
Well, it has been a little while since my last blog post. I have to say, that was a bit of an ‘experience’ *laughs*. Thankfully the guy in question did wind up understanding and didn’t turn into Mr. Stalker, LOL. Ever since the breakup with my last boyfriend back in September I haven’t really been interested in pursuing dating, much less a relationship. Deep down I would like to have someone in my life, but let’s face it, as fun as dating can be it can also be a pain. In the past when a relationship has ended it hasn’t taken me very long to get back on a dating site and meet new people. In fact I’ve been pretty eager to get back out there again. This time has been different.
One of my friends recently had some things happen that have made it necessary for her to ‘regroup’. Since my son moved out I have a spare bedroom in my apartment, so I offered to have her become my roommate. I had been enjoying having the place to myself, but she’s been a good friend for a number of years, and I wanted to help her. All of her big stuff was moved in this past weekend and she will be fully moved in by the end of this week. I have never had a roommate before, so it will be a bit of an adjustment. I think having a roommate is very different than living with someone you are dating or married to. This should be interesting *laughs*.
On the 27th I was at work, trying to get things done even though I had a headache that kept trying to become a migraine. I finally decided to work on the schedule, which needed to be done by the next day, hoping that by sitting still it might help a bit. As I was looking over the schedule I realized that we had great coverage every day of the week since a lot of the college students wanted to be able to pick up more hours during their winter break. I had been talking about how I needed to take a vacation for over a month and I decided to just go ahead and take time off. I’m not actually going anywhere since it was really last minute, but starting tonight at 7:00 when I punch out from work I will be off till next Monday afternoon. *YAY* People have asked me where I am going and what I’m doing with my time off… Well as I said, I’m not going anywhere, however I am going to use the time to do a few projects that I’ve been wanting to work on, plus do more writing in my story… maybe I’ll be able to bring it up to 50,000 words by the time I go back to work…. Yeah, it’s a rather lofty goal, but it should be fun. I’m pretty sure I will wind up kicking around Fells Point, Canton or Federal Hill at some point as well. Above all else I will be RELAXING. The only way it could possibly be better is if I were to go to the beach… However, I don’t think I will be doing that this time around.Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 1 so far )
My oldest son was living with me for a while this year, waiting on finding a better apartment. It was supposed to only last for about a month, but it turned out to be much longer than that. This past Sunday he finally moved out and since then I have been getting my apartment back in order. There is a certain amount of freedom you can enjoy when you are the only person in an apartment. I have to admit it took me a little bit to realize that I no longer had to bring a change of clothes into the bathroom when I would shower *laughs* Yes Allie you can walk around naked in your apartment now! *WHEEE*
So here I am with no one living with me and not really ‘seeing’ anyone. Aside from work I don’t really have anything major consuming my time. So, lately I’ve been doing 4 to 7 mile walks, trying to get in shape (a 4 mile walk now takes me roughly 45 minutes, which isn’t too shabby I guess). The only other thing that’s truly taking up any of my time is my writing. As of last night I am now at almost 30,000 words in the story I am working on. Just two weeks ago I was at 26,000 words. I’m not sure how good 4,000 words in two weeks is compared to professional writers, but I feel good about it. At this rate I may reach my goal of 120,000 words within a year. *crosses fingers*
I am still rather apathetic about dating in general. I’m not interested in just ‘hooking up’ and that seems to be what a lot of people are looking for – something almost like ‘friends with benefits’ – and honestly I feel that’s something best left to 20 somethings. That said, I’m not looking for a ‘relationship’ either… so that leaves me in limbo. In past years I was always quick to get back to dating, but now when I have offers to date I often find some excuse not to. I have always enjoyed sharing things with someone special and even yearned for it, but for now I’m content either way.
Ultimately I’m generally happy with life and that’s really what matters 🙂
Life is full of decisions to make, and I think one of the hardest things for some people is to let go. It is especially true if what you are letting go of is something you have held for a long time, or something that is comfortable.
Just two short days ago I let go of a relationship I have tried to make it work over a number of years and – as in the past – it hasn’t worked. The hardest part of it is that it wasn’t a bad relationship in and of itself. It was certainly comfortable, and he is a good man, but my wants and needs weren’t compatible with his. We did share some good times, but it hurt that he wasn’t doing things that mattered to me the most. Still, even though I was hurting because I was shut out of parts of his life – in spite of almost living with him – and hurting because of other things, I didn’t completely want to end things. I have struggled withing myself over my wants and needs and I have tried to weigh those against what was there. Trying to figure out what I could live with – or live without has been hard. I came to the conclusion that things would need to change in order for me to be happy and live with things the way they were.
I went over to his place, determined to talk about what was bothering me, and I did… During the course of the conversation it became apparent that things would not change. He told me that he couldn’t change the way he was and that I had to decide what I wanted to do. I knew then that the things that were tearing me apart would continue to do so, and that I could not live with things that way. It was very apparent that he was more concerned about his own comfort than he was about hurting my feelings. It was saddening to realize that he wanted me to change things that were fundamental to who I am so that he would be more comfortable, and yet he was unwilling to make any changes for me. The ‘take it or leave it’ attitude, the underlying implication that my hurt feelings had nothing to do with him, coupled with him talking about everything that I was doing ‘wrong’ reminded me very much of the attitude that my ex-husband had – and that was more than I could handle. It takes two people to make a relationship work, and when one person is unwilling to change anything and is prone to blame the other person for them not being willing to work on things things will not ever work out.
I have always wanted a relationship like my parents had and I’ve always wanted to have someone special to share my life with. In the past when I have ended a relationship I have been more than willing to open myself to the possibility of dating someone new, to the possibility of a relationship…. But now – I find myself shying away from any offers… I find myself thinking of staying aloof, of never being in a relationship again. I have always been a very passionate person and I have always enjoyed the physical aspects of a relationship. I am not someone who can play around casually with anyone, especially now, but I can’t even think about getting close enough to anyone to allow for a physical relationship. A very large part of me doesn’t want anyone close enough to hurt me ever again, and a part of me feels I am better off alone. Yet, somewhere deep inside me grieves for what I have lost, grieves for the part of me that has always been open to love, no matter how often I have been hurt in the past. I have lost a lot of my loving nature over the past two years. I have also lost my trust, not in someone being faithful, but in the idea that there are people out there who would think of their partner’s feelings as being as important as their own.
Maybe one day I will trust again and have someone I can share things with… but for now I think I may be too damaged by my past to allow anyone to get close and really know me. Perhaps that is for the best though.Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 2 so far )
On Friday I made a rather difficult decision, one that ended things with someone who has been special to me over many years. It was hard, because we have always been good friends and have enjoyed spending time together. The hard part is that he and I wanted or needed different things, and while he was content with the status quo, I was not fully content with it. I am one of those people who likes to touch/hold/cuddle or otherwise show physical affection to someone who I care about romantically, but he is not one of those people who need that much… nothing against either of us, just different styles of showing affection. However, after much soul-searching I realized it is something that I can’t do without.
My parents were always very warm and affectionate to each other, holding hands, giving each other hugs, kisses, etc. on a fairly regular basis. I grew up with the belief that people who love each other are physically affectionate with each other. I also grew up believing that an active sex life was a normal part of a healthy relationship. My whole family is one with a rather high drive towards showing physical affection either through simple touches or in more private ways. So, dating someone who came from a family that wasn’t that physically affectionate was a bit of an adjustment. This is not to say that he didn’t enjoy these things, he just didn’t need them or want them as much as I did. Truth be told while this was a little difficult for me, it didn’t really become a problem until I was stressed about some big changes at work…. and then my need to be cuddled/held/etc. really came out… at the same time, my penchant for venting also was there, and me talking about work every day was bothersome to him, and caused him to pull away a bit, which just made me more stressed – because now not only was I stressing about work, but I was also stressing about us.
I had tried talking to him about the problem on several occasions and finally sent him an email about everything on Friday morning…. He sent me one in reply, which I read after work. Between what I wrote and his reply it was apparent to me that we just didn’t look at relationships in the same way, and we just weren’t meant for a long-term romantic relationship. So then there was the hard part… telling him that. There really is no easy way to tell someone you care about (who also cares about you) that things won’t work and you don’t want to date them anymore. But I did it. He certainly seemed to be surprised at my decision and probably hurt by it… and that makes me sad, but I couldn’t see any other option. I will miss him terribly, but I know he won’t ever believe that.
Now I’m single again, and not looking to date anytime in the near future… actually not sure if I even want to try dating again…. One of my friends has said I will be back to dating before three weeks is up, but I’m not so sure. Anyone taking bets on how long it will be? Personally I think it will be a long time before I date anyone.Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 1 so far )
We hired a replacement at work for our former supervisor, but things aren’t going well with her. For some crazy reason someone thought it would be a good idea to hire someone with no pharmacy or health care experience at all. She is all about crossing t’s and dotting i’s but has neglected to worry herself about the ‘little things’ like learning what the sig codes (the dr’s shorthand) mean… as far as I know she hasn’t picked up a book to help her learn about medications, directions or anything else. On top of all that she is sending out emails to everyone and their cousin that she knows in the company bitching about us and trying to make us look bad. She has managed to piss off every pharmacist and all the techs as well… And she is acting as if it’s our fault. We’ve never had any problem with new people and making them feel included before.
She is friends with the store HR manager and the overall store manager, and they seem to think that she’s telling the truth about us and we must all be wrong. She even had the nerve to say that I wasn’t helping her learn (I have taught almost ALL the technicians there, even taken time during my studies to help someone who was struggling with something we needed in order to pass the tech certification). I have always prided myself with being a professional and behaving in a professional manner, and I won’t compromise on that. Professionals don’t hinder other people from learning their job. On several occasions now she has ignored my input and advice on work flow and other things that she needs to know to be effective. Worse than that, she doesn’t seem compassionate at all, and you have to have at least a little compassion to be in health care. So far she only seems to be interested in making herself look good by making others look bad (or trying to).
*STILL* having issues with my personal life. I keep feeling that I can’t be what he really wants, and that I want more than he can really give. I have a real need to be touched cuddled, etc… and he’s not that kind of person. When I am stressed out it’s worse, because I need it more…. and because of my past it’s hard for me to admit needing anything, much less asking for anything, and when I try touch or cuddle and he doesn’t respond it hurts and makes me want to hide my needs even more. This is very confusing to me because he wants me to come over almost every night. Sometimes it would be easier to stay home rather than to go over and not be touched. I have tried to talk to him about some of this, but I just don’t think he understands. Sad that I am more comfortable writing about this here where anyone can read it than I am with talking to him about it. I think if things don’t work out then I will stop dating all together… no more of this. Sometimes I think I’m too much of an emotional mess for any relationship to work.
Most fun of all is I am on antibiotics right now, and the medication of choice has the WONDERFUL side effect of depression and sleep problems *WHEEE*
Thank goodness I know that “this too will pass”
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