Decisions, Decisions…. Decided
Over the past several weeks I have been struggling with a big decision. When I moved back to the US in November I did so for several reasons: To pay for the lawyer and legal fees to bring Alberto back to the states, because I missed my family and friends, and also with the idea that I would work to get re-established. Since coming here I have barely spent time with my kids, and even less time with my friends.
Iwas lucky enough to get a job right away, but it wasn’t a full-time job. I was able to get full time hours during the holiday season, but of course those hours dropped off right afterward. One of the employees was leaving and I was able to pick up his hours once he was gone. During this time, I was borrowing a friend’s SUV and the cost of gas was climbing. Between the poor fuel efficiency, the high cost of gas and rent I was struggling. One of my co-workers offered to let me rent a room from him for a lower amount. The apartment is much closer to work, and I thought that between the lower cost, shortened commute and the extra hours I would be able to breathe a little easier. Then there was a problem with the vehicle I was borrowing. One of my daughters was willing to sell me her car and I got it insured. The only problem is that it needs some work done. Soon afterward I was looking over my finances and new hours and I realized that with the new expenses I would have serious trouble making ends meet in spite of living closer to work and having a more fuel-efficient car.
The main reason I haven’t seen much of my kids or friends since moving back is because I haven’t even had the money to drive up to see them, much less go do anything with them. All of this hit during a week that I was sick, and I was left thinking about how precarious a situation I was living in. Needless to say, it was very depressing. I talked things over with Alberto and tossed and turned quite a bit. I kept hoping that I could figure out a way to stay and see my kids more often, but I couldn’t find a solution. I was worried about how we would pay for the lawyer if I moved back. Alberto assured me that the business is doing well enough that we will be able to pay the lawyer on time even if I moved back.
The past week has been incredibly stressful as I have struggled with my warring feelings. Wanting to stay so I can (maybe) see my kids and friends more often and because I really like my job and all it entails. Wanting to move back because I miss my husband terribly and it is exhausting struggling alone without the comfort and support of your partner. There is no easy answer, no simple solution. Either way I loose something precious. Time away from my kids or from Alberto is time I can never recover. This puts a strain on everyone involved.
Still, we did come to a decision. I already had tickets to go visit Alberto, but now they will be one-way. I told my managers on Friday that I would be leaving. It’s a heartbreaking decision. My co-worker felt so bad for me that he offered me an even lower rent, but I couldn’t accept. In part I feel it would be unfair, and in part these last five months have been so emotionally draining that once I’d reached the decision I didn’t have the energy to go through the process of deciding all over again.
So, on April 16th I will be flying back to Mexico to be with my husband. I will look back fondly on my co-workers, and I will miss my job. I can only hope that all of the paperwork will go through and Alberto and I will be able to move back to the states by sometime next year. I hate leaving feeling that things are unfinished, but then life is a work in progress and is always unfinished.