Decisions, Decisions…. Decided

Posted on 25/03/2012. Filed under: Life in General, Moving, Relationships |

Over the past several weeks I have been struggling with a big decision.  When I moved back to the US in November I did so for several reasons:  To pay for the lawyer and legal fees to bring Alberto back to the states, because I missed my family and friends, and also with the idea that I would work to get re-established.  Since coming here I have barely spent time with my kids, and even less time with my friends.

Iwas lucky enough to get a job right away, but it wasn’t a full-time job.  I was able to get full time hours during the holiday season, but of course those hours dropped off right afterward.  One of the employees was leaving and I was able to pick up his hours once he was gone.  During this time, I was borrowing a friend’s SUV and the cost of gas was climbing.   Between the poor fuel efficiency, the high cost of gas and rent I was struggling.  One of my co-workers offered to let me rent a room from him for a lower amount.  The apartment is much closer to work, and I thought that between the lower cost, shortened commute and the extra hours I would be able to breathe a little easier.  Then there was a problem with the vehicle I was borrowing.  One of my daughters was willing to sell me her car and I got it insured.  The only problem is that it needs  some work done.  Soon afterward I was looking over my finances and new hours and I realized that with the new expenses I would have serious trouble making ends meet in spite of living closer to work and having a more fuel-efficient car.

The main reason I haven’t seen much of my kids or friends since moving back is because I haven’t even had the money to drive up to see them, much less go do anything with them.  All of this hit during a week that I was sick, and I was left thinking about how precarious a situation I was living in.  Needless to say, it was very depressing.  I talked things over with Alberto and tossed and turned quite a bit.  I kept hoping that I could figure out a way to stay and see my kids more often, but I couldn’t find a solution.  I was worried about how we would pay for the lawyer if I moved back.  Alberto assured me that the business is doing well enough that we will be able to pay the lawyer on time even if I moved back.

The past week has been incredibly stressful as I have struggled with my warring feelings.  Wanting to stay so I can (maybe) see my kids and friends more often and because I really like my job and all it entails.  Wanting to move back because I miss my husband terribly and it is exhausting struggling alone without the comfort and support of your partner.  There is no easy answer, no simple solution.  Either way I loose something precious.  Time away from my kids or from Alberto is time I can never recover.  This puts a strain on everyone involved.

Still, we did come to a decision.  I already had tickets to go visit Alberto, but now they will be one-way.  I told my managers on Friday that I would be leaving.  It’s a heartbreaking decision.  My co-worker felt  so bad for me that he offered me an even lower rent, but I couldn’t accept.   In part I feel it would be unfair, and in part these last five months have been so emotionally draining that once I’d reached the decision I didn’t have the energy to go through the process of deciding all over again.

So, on April 16th I will be flying back to Mexico to be with my husband.  I will look back fondly on my co-workers, and I will miss my job.  I can only hope that all of the paperwork will go through and Alberto and I will be able to move back to the states by sometime next year.  I hate leaving feeling that things are unfinished, but then life is a work in progress and is always unfinished.

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    © Aletris Vazquez and Random Thoughts, Rants and Mental Meanderings, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Aletris Vazquez and Random Thoughts, Rants and Mental Meanderings with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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