Life is full of decisions to make, and I think one of the hardest things for some people is to let go. It is especially true if what you are letting go of is something you have held for a long time, or something that is comfortable.
Just two short days ago I let go of a relationship I have tried to make it work over a number of years and – as in the past – it hasn’t worked. The hardest part of it is that it wasn’t a bad relationship in and of itself. It was certainly comfortable, and he is a good man, but my wants and needs weren’t compatible with his. We did share some good times, but it hurt that he wasn’t doing things that mattered to me the most. Still, even though I was hurting because I was shut out of parts of his life – in spite of almost living with him – and hurting because of other things, I didn’t completely want to end things. I have struggled withing myself over my wants and needs and I have tried to weigh those against what was there. Trying to figure out what I could live with – or live without has been hard. I came to the conclusion that things would need to change in order for me to be happy and live with things the way they were.
I went over to his place, determined to talk about what was bothering me, and I did… During the course of the conversation it became apparent that things would not change. He told me that he couldn’t change the way he was and that I had to decide what I wanted to do. I knew then that the things that were tearing me apart would continue to do so, and that I could not live with things that way. It was very apparent that he was more concerned about his own comfort than he was about hurting my feelings. It was saddening to realize that he wanted me to change things that were fundamental to who I am so that he would be more comfortable, and yet he was unwilling to make any changes for me. The ‘take it or leave it’ attitude, the underlying implication that my hurt feelings had nothing to do with him, coupled with him talking about everything that I was doing ‘wrong’ reminded me very much of the attitude that my ex-husband had – and that was more than I could handle. It takes two people to make a relationship work, and when one person is unwilling to change anything and is prone to blame the other person for them not being willing to work on things things will not ever work out.
I have always wanted a relationship like my parents had and I’ve always wanted to have someone special to share my life with. In the past when I have ended a relationship I have been more than willing to open myself to the possibility of dating someone new, to the possibility of a relationship…. But now – I find myself shying away from any offers… I find myself thinking of staying aloof, of never being in a relationship again. I have always been a very passionate person and I have always enjoyed the physical aspects of a relationship. I am not someone who can play around casually with anyone, especially now, but I can’t even think about getting close enough to anyone to allow for a physical relationship. A very large part of me doesn’t want anyone close enough to hurt me ever again, and a part of me feels I am better off alone. Yet, somewhere deep inside me grieves for what I have lost, grieves for the part of me that has always been open to love, no matter how often I have been hurt in the past. I have lost a lot of my loving nature over the past two years. I have also lost my trust, not in someone being faithful, but in the idea that there are people out there who would think of their partner’s feelings as being as important as their own.
Maybe one day I will trust again and have someone I can share things with… but for now I think I may be too damaged by my past to allow anyone to get close and really know me. Perhaps that is for the best though.