The Other Thing
For a while now I have been keeping quiet about something because I just didn’t feel up to mentioning it in my blog. I am not engaged anymore. It isn’t an easy thing to talk about, even though I was the one who broke things off. I still have people who ask me when the wedding is because they haven’t heard the news.
There were a lot of different factors that lead to my decision, one of the major ones was the fact he didn’t introduce me as his fianceè. Even though I came to understand his reasoning that couldn’t take away the initial hurt nor could it repair my trust in the relationship. The initial hurt and confusion I felt when he did that caused me to question his true feelings about me and about our relationship, which in turn caused me to pull away emotionally. I tried to regain what I had lost, but between that and other issues and problems I couldn’t repair the damage.
I still get mail and email advertising different wedding and reception services but it doesn’t fill me with the sadness it once did. Some people are surprised that I have moved on so “easily” but what they don’t understand is that I have HAD to move on many times in the past, not just from relationships, but from other things in life as well. It’s not easy to do, even if it seems like it is from those around you. Life is meant to be lived and you can’t do that by dwelling in the past. You have to pick up the pieces and move ahead. That doesn’t mean you ignore what happened or that you don’t feel the pain or even that your experiences don’t shape the way you think or react in the future, but it does mean that you let go of it bit by bit and find things to be happy about each day.
Sometimes I worry that all this loss in relationships will make it hard for me to trust anyone again. I know it makes me feel skittish, makes me as likely to run as I would be to stay, though that may change over time, if someone has the patience to deal with me.